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Woman Admits That She Is Not Romantically Attracted to Husband but Doesn’t Want a Divorce

For some couples, the loss of passionate love isn’t a problem because they’ve never had it, to begin with.

Companionship is an integral part of marriage. But what happens when that’s all there is? That was the case for my client, “Diane,” who admitted that she was no longer physically attracted to her husband but didn’t want a divorce.

“It sounds bad when I say it out loud,” she said. “But my husband is my best friend. I can’t imagine my life without him.”

Diane was in her late 30s and had been married for 16 years. She and her husband had three children. Diane said she noticed that she wasn’t physically attracted to her husband a few years prior.

“I look at other couples, and I see the love and passion, and I just don’t feel that for him. I’m not sure I ever did,” Diane said. “It’s like we’re just good friends.”

When we started working together, Diane had recently revealed her feelings to her husband. He was hurt and confused, but he made it clear that he was not okay with just being “companions.”

“I don’t want a divorce,” Diane said. “I want the life we have now, but without romantic love. Is that possible?”

I told her that plenty of couples cohabitate without being romantically involved. But I also told her that it would be challenging to maintain a healthy marriage without that physical connection because her husband had already made it crystal clear that he wanted a different kind of relationship.

“Diane, your husband was straightforward with you about what he wanted. He wants to be married to someone who is physically attracted to him. And you’re not,” I said. “I think you need to accept that and figure out how to navigate that reality.”

Diane was reluctant to accept that her marriage was over, but she eventually came to terms with it. In the end, they divorced and are successfully co-parenting their children.

When Passion Wanes

New relationships are fueled by “passionate love,” which is intense feelings of attraction and preoccupation with the other person. But over time, passionate love typically fades and is replaced by “companionate love,” which is based on trust, commitment, and intimacy.

For some couples, the loss of passionate love isn’t a problem because they’ve never had it, to begin with. They’ve always had a strong friendship, and they’re content with that. But for other couples, the loss of passionate love can be devastating because it feels like they’re losing the connection they once had.

Unfortunately, humans and relationships are prone to what psychologists call the hedonic treadmill, which is the tendency for people to quickly adapt to positive or negative life changes and return to their baseline level of happiness. So, even if a couple does manage to reignite the passion in their relationship, it’s likely that it will eventually fade again.

“There are evolutionary, physiological, and practical reasons why passionate love is unlikely to endure for long. If we obsessed, endlessly, about our partners and had sex with them multiple times a day — every day — we would not be very productive at work or very attentive to our children, our friends, or our health.” — Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D.

The good news is that there are things couples can do to slow down the fading of passionate love. One of the most important things is to make sure you’re still spending quality time together. Date nights, weekend getaways, and other regular outings can help keep the spark alive.

It’s also important to keep the lines of communication open and to express your needs and desires to your partner. If you’re not happy with the way things are going, say something. It’s possible that your partner is feeling the same way and just doesn’t know how to bring it up.

Lastly, don’t forget to show your appreciation for your partner. Compliment them, surprise them, and do things to make their life easier. Let them know that you’re still madly in love with them, even if the passion isn’t what it used to be.

“Since hedonic adaptation is thought to occur in part because of the repetition of experiences — seeing the same beautiful vista every day, perhaps, or having the same kinds of interactions with a friend or partner — one potential way to keep happiness from fading is to mix up the elements of one’s positive experiences so that they are less repetitive. Another approach is to try to appreciate such experiences even more by making an effort to pay attention to and savor what is enjoyable about them.” — Psychology Today

If you’re struggling to keep the spark alive in your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist or coach. They may be able to help you and your partner figure out how to get back on track.

Have you ever experienced the loss of passion in your relationship? What did you do to reignite the spark? Let us know in the comments.

Originally posted on newsbreak.com

Source: medium